Where am I at?

In two weeks time I will be fifty years old. That seems very odd to me. I would rather be forty in two weeks time, which feels far more appropriate. I usually spend my birthday in quiet reflection of my life so far but the people around me have decided something else entirely, so be it.

I will reflect instead, today or rather now. Society would have me measure my value in dollars earned or perhaps spent. Government might value me in terms of tax revenue. My bank manager would place a specific number of bank credits I am worthy of being loaned. Others may want to know where I live, my job title, what car I drive and what stuff I own. Those are all external references. They are not significant or important. My partner asked me how happy I was and I wondered if she meant something specific or just in general. She didn't say.

How do I value my life so far? Well, I wanted to do some stuff and then I did it. There were consequences and I have accepted them. Currently, there are things I wish to do and I am doing them. The consequences have not made themselves known yet. I have also chosen not to do some stuff and that has consequences too. Placing a value on my life is alien to me. The value is and always has been time. I have had nearly fifty years of time on this blue bauble and every second of which has been spent regardless of what I was or was not doing.

I can sum up my life very easily. Whilst in human mode, my time was spent wisely. When my inner monkey took charge things were often very enjoyable, pleasurable and created fond memories of happy times. My inner monkey can be a very playful thing indeed. My inner monkey also gets rather angry at times which can lead to both physical and verbal violence. This also creates memories but not fond ones.

That is my reflection of my life thus far over for another year. Going forward, I more fully appreciate the need for me to be mindful over what mode I am in. Am I in human mode and spending my time wisely. Is my inner monkey active and thoroughly enjoying some activity or other. Or is my inner monkey in a destructive rage.

I can extend this awareness to others too. Joining others in human mode or joyous inner monkey revelry. Choosing not to join others when their own inner monkey is raging against whatever injustice it perceives.

So, where am I at? My time has been spent doings things that I wanted to do. It is correctly said of me that I do not do things that I do not want to do. This seems entirely reasonable to me.

Where am I at?

I am good, sometimes bad.